On Your Second Birthday in Heaven

Happy 2nd Birthday!
 
My sweet baby girl, 

       I can not believe it has been two years now since I first held you in my arms. A mixture of joy, and love, and fear rushing through me. Your Daddy looking at you so proudly, you were just perfect. Oh, that day is forever etched into my mind. From the moment we first met you, we were forever changed. We have never loved anyone quite the way we love you.
    
          This year has been a rough road on the journey of missing you. Just when I thought I was getting to a point where I could handle my grief, the floor fell out and I hit a new bottom I didn't know existed. There are just some things that shouldn't happen in life. Losing a child has got to be at the top of that list. It's not the natural order of things, you should be here.
    
         The thing no one tells you about losing your child, is that you begin to question everything. Your faith, your purpose, your very existence. If my job in this life is to be a mother, then why couldn't I protect my child from this fate? I hope you forgive me sweet girl, if there had been any way for me to save you, no cost would have been to high. I did everything I could when I was pregnant. I took my vitamins, I exercised, I ate healthy, I didn't drink or smoke, I wanted to give you the very best chance at life. I know it isn't my fault, but I still feel like I failed you somehow.
    
       I think about what you'd look like now, your dark eyes, your Daddy's full lips, how would you have changed? What color would your hair be? Brown like Lincoln, or a shade of auburn'; like Sophia and Declan, or maybe a color all your own. Would you be tall? Quiet and curious or loud and lively?
    
       I wonder what your little voice would be like, what your favorite food would be. Which shows would be your favorite? Would you sing and dance to the theme songs? Would you like dresses and princesses? Or boots and mud? Would you let me snuggle you and play with your hair? All I ever hoped for was to lie down next to you and truly hold you in my arms.
   
      I'll never know these little things, these wonderful things, and that weighs on me so heavily.
       
        You deserved to grow up, to live, and love, and learn. I'm sorry my sweet girl, that your time was cut so unbelievably short. That your little life was filled with so much pain and struggle. I hope you felt our love. I hope knowing Mommy and Daddy were by your side every moment eased your suffering. The thought of you in pain keeps me up at night.
    
          If I close my eyes right now, I'm right back at the NICU in Syracuse. You're curled up on your tummy, knees tucked up under  you, feet held in your Daddy's palm. I can hear the ice rattling in my starbucks tumbler, as my breast pump bag taps against me with each movement. See your sweet little smile, your eyes closed against the bright lights. I can hear the nurses rushing around, tending to all the impossibly tiny babies. You looked so big, and so healthy compared to them. Yet, your fight was not easier. I longed to just hold you in my arms for hours, but those tubes in your belly button, giving your heart the medicine it needed to keep you alive, they meant I had to be content half cradling you with my arm.
  
          Your temperature was elevated from the medication as well, so you couldn't wear any of the cute hats or clothes I had for you. There just weren't many things you got to experience that we had dreamed for you.
    
          Everyone told me to pray. To have faith that God would heal you. I watched you fight for your life, your tiny body pushed to its limits. I wondered how an all powerful God could watch you suffer and not heal your little heart. I excused myself every two hours to pump milk for you, I'd go into the nursing room and sit in silence. The tears came so easily, the heartache and fear I felt for you couldn't be held back in those quiet moments. My only hope was that the milk I made for you would keep you strong and help you fight.
    
        I did pray. I begged. I pleaded. I hoped. I wished. I poured out my soul. None of that was enough to save you though. You fought so hard, and you were amazing. So beautiful and strong. I am so proud to be your Mama. My faith may be irreparably shattered, but you gave me a gift in all of this. The moment you left this world, I knew. I looked at you and I knew you were gone. I now believe in a soul, or spirit, or life-force, that can not be explained in words. You may not be in your body anymore, but I know somewhere, somehow, a form of you exists, and I will hold onto that.
   
        This journey is lonely, and there is not a foreseeable end to the pain and sadness, but one thing never changes, you were worth every second. I am lucky to have known you, I am blessed to have loved you. You will always be my girl.